Stressful and Selfishness

I sometimes feel selfish for trying to speed up and beat a car I know is going to go to slow in front of me.  I feel stress because something for someone else isn't getting done.  But at night I sleep just the same (very little if you want to know).  I feel selfish when someone asks me what I want for a gift, and what I really want to say is "That really fucking expensive mountain bicycle that will surely lead to at least a handful of hospital visits".  But I don't say that, I ask for a smaller item that is going to be nice but you still yearn the grips in my hands and the burn in my lungs and hammies as I crest a sweet hill or jump and trips to emergency room all the while wondering if you broadsided a bush or hit a root or just splatted a small animal.  And then I feel stressed because I want to get this bike but I can't because that is just taking away from something else that is that much more important than my petty needs/wants!  And another thing I just CAN'T SEEM TO FIGURE OUT WHICH IS WHICH between the needs and wants!!!!

AAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

My head just expolded.  No worries, I am a professional.  I do this about 4 or 5 times a day and it sometimes can last 2 minutes or it can just last all day. Now I have been plowing through it without really sharing with anyone.  I actually hope that nobody ever reads this and if they do they don't know who I am.  It may save embarrasment.

My name is The Schmalex and I am a 30 something young man.  I care, worry, love, watch, carry, talk, wash, wax, send, and most of all I share! Not just with my wife (although she is first in line), but with those deemed genuine in their pursuits with me, to me, or for me.  I put myself out there and I am just learning that I have not always done that.  I learned many things growing up and some of it stuck and thankfully for the rest of the immediate area that I occupy, the remaining things did not stick.  Growing up to most people means through high school and textbook development years, but I mean learning how to live on your own growing up. 

Now I am starting back to school looking at finishing my bachelor's degree after abandoning it 15 years ago.  I start my second semester next week.  I also have my brother staying with me several times a week.  He and his 3 daughters!  I love them all, and don't get me wrong, I sometimes want peace when it is not an option.  I know it is temporary and that is why I am ok with it.  I have turned into a private person over the last several years.  Maybe it is textbook with my age, but I stopped reading crap like that a long time ago and just started living.

Just living was fun, for me and for all around me usually.  I wasn't so generous back then since we were broke most of the time but found 4 bucks for a 6 pack of Busch Light tall boys! 

Disclaimer:  When i refer to we, I may tell a tale using fake names.  Glossary might get started if it gets too confusing.